My so-called friends

Today I've finally decided to blog about something which has been bothering me for some time but have only mentioned to my therapist and parents... until now!

In the last few months and especially in the lead up to my impending move, I have started to complain to my "friends" about other, so-called "friends". In reality this has been bothering me for a long time now but only really got highlighted around the time of my surgery and in the last few weeks.

I'm talking about my utter disappointment with the lack of compassion, commitment and support from people who I consider(ed) "friends".

Now I don't want to over use the whole quotation marks "thing" but I really want to stress the fact that this applies to people whom I'd considered friends and felt I could trust and count on.

I think we've all experienced disappointment in our lives and are all too well aware that the only person you can really count on is yourself (and God perhaps?) but does that make it ok? In my view, it doesn't!

I have always had complicated relationships, be that friendships or romantic ones. I can remember that even as a child and teenager, I used to have nights when I would cry to my mum saying how I was disappointed that I wasn't invited to a sleepover or how I was being bullied. But I figured most teenagers went through that and overall I always had a few friends that I could hang out with. I wasn't winning any popularity contests but I definitely wasn't an outcast loner. When I moved to the UK I did manage to make myself a small group of friends but unfortunately my change in career plans and direction meant that I lost touch with them and even though we're friends again now on Facebook, I really wouldn't call them friends. When I moved on to college and university, again, I made a few friends but not really a solid group. Basically I would still spend the majority of my weekends alone. I should point out that my best friend from HK was living in the same city as me but our lives were so completely separate that even though I saw her fairly regularly, it wasn't quite enough to give me a fulfilling social life!

But the truth is that because I was suffering from Cushing's and was so depressed anyway, it didn't really matter to me. Actually, that's a lie, it's not that it didn't matter, I just didn't have the energy to care. I felt like my life was sh*t anyways and that I was a dull, unlovable person who didn't really deserve any friends!

When I started realising that a lot of my feelings were hormone driven and I started to work my way out of my depression, I started investing myself more into my friendships and realised that I was in fact capable of being the fun, social and outgoing person I used to be. And I began making more and more friends, trying to organise outings and trying to "get out there" a bit more.

It worked pretty well... I would say that I started having more friends and feeling like people were appreciating my company. I definitely started having more people to hang out with on weekends but something was still amiss.

I began to realise that the only time I would be doing things with my friends was when I was organising it. I would make the effort to phone them and say: Hey, fancy seeing that film at the cinema? Checking out this new bar? Doing this? which most of the time they would agree to, but it seemed like the exchange was very one sided.

I was rarely getting called or texted by these friends to say: Hey, I really wanna see this, fancy joining me?

Now I don't want to come off as some needy freak, but it started to dawn on me that although these friends obviously enjoyed my company because they were usually happy to see me, they never felt the need to reciprocate. And this is hard because a lot of the time, when I haven't been invited it's because they're doing something with their other half, or with friends of theirs from a different social group who they've known for longer and that don't know me so I can understand why I wouldn't necessarily be invited. 

So then someone please answer me this: How are you suppose to make new friends at the age of 26 if people just stick to the ones they already have?

I'm sure some of you will be thinking: Nonsense, older people make friends all the time! And I don't refute that, however really think about it. If you go to a party and you know everyone there, you already have a great group of friends that you do things with and you meet someone there. They're nice, you get along well with them but nothing more. Would you really swap numbers with them and think about inviting them to your next party? Probably not! You probably think, well it's up to the person who invited them or I'll just see them next time I see them. Either way, trust me, it ain't easy getting into a new group of friends.

So what about making friends at work? Well apart from the fact that I don't necessarily think it's healthy to spend your time with the same people at work and outside of work it's also that I've only really worked full-time at a small charity and there's only about 10 of us there. Now don't get me wrong, I get along really well with most of my colleagues, but I find it extremely hard to socialise with them outside of work.

Thinking back on some older posts, I think I did already mention my frustration at the lack of response I got from some friends during my surgery but now I'm feeling it all over again. I've announced (to anyone who'll listen) that I'm leaving London for at least a year to go back to HK and some of my friends don't even seem that bothered! It appears their own lives, work, friends, etc. are far more important and that making time to see me just isn't a priority!

But I know how it goes. For the next few weeks I'm gonna be busy with my parents visiting, packing up my flat etc... and at the last minute a few people will wake up and go: Hang on, you're leaving next week? Oh no!! Let's get together one last time. And I will be busy by then!!! 

It really hurts to think that people who you care about just don't care about you as much....

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed thinking about it all I say to myself: You need to just confront these people and let them know how you feel but the truth is I'm a wimp! No matter how confident and self assured I come across, I lack in assertiveness. Part of me just feels like my feelings aren't important enough to be voiced or expressed to others and that is a very very sad thing....

So I've made a decision. It's a bit of a cop-out but it's all I can manage right now, baby steps. I'm taking the opportunity of leaving London to cleanse myself of people who are no good for me. I will make sure I let all my London-based friends know that I am leaving in 6 weeks and that if they want to see me before I go and keep in touch that they better make the effort. I have limited time and unless they're prepared to give a bit, I don't see why I should do all the work.

This will be a great way to weed out those that aren't worthy of my time! That probably sounds a bit harsh and self righteous but why should I be the one waiting around? Why should I always be the one making the calls and organising the outings? And why should I fit my schedule around everyone else's? Don't I deserve to get my way once in a while?

When you're depressed and lack self esteem you sell yourself short because you take whatever anyone is willing to offer. Well not any more! I know for a fact that I'm a nice person and I am capable of making friends who will love me for me and like spending time with me. And if it doesn't work out, I can always own a lot of pets :-P

In HK apart from my parents and a few old friends whom I've stayed in touch with I will basically be starting over. Starting over but with a bit of a safety net and that is the best position to be in. I will be at a new University, able to make new friends and meet new people but I'll also have some links that will help me along at first. The good thing is that I've realised that I don't have to go around pimping myself out because these people will either want to hang out with me or they won't and that's fine because there's plenty more people for me to become friends with. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that it's easier to make friends in HK than it is in London, but I know that because I will be there with a clean slate and will have checked my emotional baggage at the door it will be a lot simpler. If only purely by the fact that I won't care as much! Because when you haven't invested anything into a relationship yet it doesn't hurt as much if it doesn't work out.

The reason it hurts me that some of my friends here in London just haven't stepped up is because I really thought we had good friendships and that these were people I could count on....

I guess I was wrong again but hey, you live and learn right? Every mistake is an opportunity for growth....

I have found many other things in my life and feel like I'm ready to start a new chapter but carrying on this book metaphor, I feel as though I will only be able to move on if I finish the chapter before. This is why me leaving London and starting a new course is perfect. I think it's Sheryl Crow who sung: A change would do you good...