Miracles are for a purpose…

   A few weeks ago, both of my church services had messages which really touched me. The last few weeks were so busy that I didn’t have the opportunity to write about them sooner and in fact I’m glad I waited because even more things happened which were related to them...

   In the Saturday service, the pastor talked about how it is important for us to have a big vision for our lives. We must not be afraid and must persevere, always maintaining the bigger picture and remembering that we are able. He talked about using our gifts and how we must take charge, make the first step and strive to realise our full potential. This made me think about the big plans I have for my life! How I want to use everything I’ve been through to help others and that I also have gifts and talents that I should share.

   For those of you who know me well, you will know that I have always loved performing. Everything from singing to dancing and acting but in the last few years, because of being sick, I haven’t been doing so much of it. Singing was the one hobby I kept because I was able to practice it behind closed doors and it provided me with a wonderful outlet. Often, friends and family would comment about the fact that I didn’t use my talent enough. Saying that “If I could sing like you, I would be singing all the time!” or “Why don’t you enter that competition/sing at karaoke” etc… The truth is that for a long time, I didn’t really want to do those things because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself because of how self-conscious I felt. I also didn’t want to seem like I was trying to be boastful or too proud of myself by showing off. It wasn’t until a friend once said to me “But you’re depriving people of your talent!” that I realised that she was right! I shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed of the fact that I sing well. After all, I spent years practicing! And actually the few times I did get up to sing at karaoke, I got wonderful praises from complete strangers. In the back of their minds, were some of them thinking “Shame she’s fat!”, probably!? But so what?? I know what I’ve been through and why I am the way I am today and I shouldn’t have to be punished for it. And Saturday’s message kind of made me think about the fact that I had this gift that God had given me but wasn’t using out of fear…

   Sunday’s message was even more poignant and so relevant to my situation of the last few years. The pastor said something which really struck a chord and that I had to take note of so as not to forget. He said: 

Miracles are for a purpose not just performance! 

Those few words really made me think…. In a way, I consider my disease and recovery a “miracle”. I’m not saying that divine intervention saved or cured me, or that it was an easy ordeal, but in the grand scheme of things, it is still pretty miraculous that I am where I am today. 26, having already had a brain tumour diagnosed and removed through microscopic neurosurgery. I think it’s pretty awesome (in the old sense of the word).

   But this little “miracle” that’s happened in my life is more than just an interesting fact that I can recount to whoever will listen. Or my “sob story”, as my best friend and I often joke, that I could use to get me through to the final rounds of X Factor (a British singing competition). No, my miracle has a purpose. It has helped me grow emotionally and spiritually. It has broken me down and rebuilt me as a stronger, more empathetic and positive human being. I believe that not only will it help me throughout my life and career, but it has already revealed its purpose in recent times.

   I started this blog just under a year ago. In fact, my very first post was done on the 30th of August 2010. So much has happened since then, good and bad that thinking about it and rereading it all brings a tear to my eye. But what has reaffirmed my belief that my miracle truly has a purpose is all the positives. In this past year, I have been in contact with several other Cushing’s sufferers all across the world who have found me through my blog.  I feel humbled and truly blessed that so many have found my experience and writings useful and dare I say, interesting. Knowing that I have helped others struggling for answers realise that they are not alone really makes it all worthwhile.

   In this past week alone, 4 people have found me on Facebook, one even living in Hong Kong right now! This is the beauty of technology nowadays, it enables anyone anywhere to connect instantly. I have also been contacted by a girl I met through a mutual friend who has just been diagnosed with a pituitary tumour. Although hers is not causing Cushing’s but a different condition called Acromegaly, she got in touch with me because she remembers me telling her about my story a few months back and wanted some advice. It is such a wonderful feeling when you connect with other people and feel like you are able to help or advise them. Even more gratifying is when others specifically seek your help or advice. I guess it’s because it makes you feel like you’re worth something and have something valuable to contribute. For someone plagued with low self-esteem and low self-confidence, this is a huge booster!

   So as of the 20th of August 2011, I am 11 months post surgery. Caffeine, nicotine and alcohol free and have actively started working towards fulfilling my full potential. I have taken steps towards using my vocal talent by starting a couple of music ventures, have finally found a nice place to live and will soon be starting my Masters. It’s gonna be a tough year ahead but I KNOW it will be challenging, satisfying, life-affirming and just another step in the right direction.