To blog or not to blog...

When I first started this blog my aim was to post everyday but I've come to realise that a) It's a bit time consuming!! and b) some days are best not to blog about...
Don't worry, it's not that the last few days have been terrible, it's just that they've been quite uneventful. Apart from the constant backache which I wake up with everyday, my headaches have also come back and I haven't had much energy. Hence, not a lot going on apart from the essentials.

I did have my usual CBT appointment on Friday though. In case you don't remember, I'm getting CBT to help me with my binge eating disorder which I developed alongside the Cushing's. It was an interesting appointment because it was the last one before my surgery and we won't be meeting again for another month. So we weighed me and talked a bit about how I felt about the surgery and brainstormed what eating meant to me. All these things are important because presumably if the surgery goes well and my hormones get sorted out, my appetite and metabolism should return to normal. I should also not suffer from as many mood swings and bouts of depression. I have been told that I can expect to lose weight but I don't want to be too optimistic and realise that I will still need to diet if I want to lose ALL the weight that I've put on. I'm being realistic, I don't expect to slim down over night but it will definitely be easier without my own body working against me! Even the doctor who diagnosed me, when I asked her about my diet and why I was having such a tough time losing weight (apart from that year in HK when I was eating less than 1200 calories and exercising 4hrs a day) said: "It's because you're fighting a losing battle!"
You see, it's not enough that Cushing's increases your appetite and messes up your satiety (sense of fullness) signals, it also affects your metabolism so that your body stores the maximum amount of fat. Basically, even a salad can be fattening, especially if you have sauce on it!

Needless to say I'm looking forward to having a bit more control over my eating habits but most of all I'm looking forward to losing enough weight to be able to start exercising properly again. It's been really tough never having any energy and becoming out of breath and sweaty even just walking around. I was always such an active person that the last year or so has been disheartening! Up until Jan/Feb 2010 I was still at least able to do some treadmill and cycling at the gym but since then because of the backaches and muscle weakness I've literally had to stop it all. I've had to become a couch potato and it really isn't something I enjoy. You might be thinking to yourself: Surely if you want to be active, just do it! A bit of sweating never hurt anyone? But that's not what's stopping me! Trust me, I'm not afraid of sweating or putting in effort. I think I proved that many a times before. What I am afraid of, or should I say, have difficulty dealing with is the fact that my backaches cause excruciating and chronic pain. I already have a lot of difficulty falling asleep partly due to insomnia but also partly due to the fact that I can never find a comfortable position to lie in! So sure, I could go out for walks and try to push past the pain but then what? 3 days of bruises on various parts of my body and an inflamed back. And at this point in my life, I just can't handle it anymore. So yes, I've become a bit of a hermit and my activity levels are low which probably actually make things worse but there just comes a time when you can't fight anymore!

Which is also why even though I'm very nervous about my surgery, it can't come soon enough. At this point, unless it goes terribly wrong, it can only do me good!