Fourth time lucky?

Hey all! So it's been a while since I posted (seems like I've been saying that pretty much every post!) but I've been pretty damn busy. Been working hard at uni and freelancing for my charity. Plus, I've actually been having something which resembles A LIFE!!! Now don't get too excited there folks, it's nothing to write home about (though I guess I found it worthy enough for blog writing) but it's a hell of a lot better than what I had before.
Basically in the last few months I've been really feeling better energy wise. The fact that I've lost over 20kgs might have something to do with it but I also think it's thanks to the correct medication dosage I'm now on. If you remember the doc started me on cortisol lowering meds and after surgeries 2 and 3 messed up my pituitary I've also been replacing a whole host of other hormones. Although it's a pain having to take so many pills, it's totally worth it. I'm able to walk an average of one hour every day, I'm not sweating as much and my mood has been pretty stable. All in all, I've been feeling pretty awesome.



Now before you think I'm out of the woods, I should probably tell you that the cortisol lowering meds are only a temporary solution as they are toxic to your liver. So.... This Sunday (15th of Sept) I am being admitted for my fourth and FINAL (I hope) surgery! It should be the last one since they're taking all of my pituitary out so not many options left after that.
Having all my pituitary out means I will probably have to start replacing cortisol and growth hormone as well afterwards but if it means I'm finally rid of the Cushing's monster then it's a small price to pay.

It's funny, I've been writing a paper on anorexia and discussing the ambivalence people feel with letting go of their "frenemy" (Anorexia) and it's kind of how I feel about my Cushing's. Of course I want nothing more than to be cured but I'm not sure I even know what life is like without disease!? Well, who am I kidding, just because I'll no longer have Cushing's doesn't mean I'll be "normal" since I'll have to replace all my hormones with meds but you know what I mean. No longer will I be able to refer to myself as a "Cushie". I suppose I could say I'm a cushing's survivor or an ex-cushie but that just sounds a little lame. There is a term for people who have lost all pituitary function: panhypopituitarism, however is that really me since I don't even HAVE a pituitary?

It's interesting to think that I feel a need to classify or label myself, when I spend all my time studying and advocating for an approach to mental health which does not see people for their pathology but as whole people. Am I just a victim of my classificatory society or is there something about being able to describe and define yourself?
I mean, I would need to change my blog name!!? Maybe something like: Being totally awesome...
OR what about Being MeatQueen? (That's my nickname, or at least the one my best friend uses).

It's tough because I really wanna be optimistic and positive about this next surgery but I also don't wanna get my hopes up for fear of being disappointed again like last time. That was such a huge blow! It took me several weeks to get over the shock and loss....
But I can't help but imagine all the possibilities. What life without Cushing's could be like...
I could start dancing again, going to the gym, doing all the things I've been unable to do for years now. God that would be good. I don't care that it would take me 10 pills a day and daily injections, I just want my life back.

So here's to hoping that this next one is the one, and that recovery after will be swift. I reckon I deserve it by now....