When life gives you lemons...

Well I really haven't been very good at keeping my blog up to date. It appears I'm not blogging as regularly as before and actually by waiting so long in between posts, it means that when I do finally get round to writing something I just have so much to write!! It makes it all a bit tiring for us both. Me the writer, trying to succinctly summarise the events of the last few weeks, and you the reader, trying to feign interest for what's been happening in my life. Hopefully though you'll enjoy reading and if not, tough!

So when we last "spoke" I was telling you that I was about to get a new haircut and was waiting on some test results. So the good news first: well the good news is that I went for it, got a daring haircut with an undercut on one side and re-dyed some pink into it and I absolutely love it.

Now for the not so good news...

My test results weren't great. My Cortisol was in the normal range which for me is not actually very good since after the surgery it should be below normal but more worryingly, my ACTH was above average. Now I'm not going to go into a huge amount of detail as to what ACTH is but basically it's the hormone that triggers your adrenal glands to produce Cortisol. So me having high ACTH is not good!! Ironically, my glucose level which was really the main reason for me doing this blood test was below normal...

So what does this mean? Well, worse case scenario, it means that my Cushing's is back. Now don't even ask me what my next step is if that is the case because I really don't know! I haven't discussed it with my endocrinologist yet. However I do know from several of my online Cushie friends that unfortunately it can sometimes take several pituitary surgeries and even radiotherapy to fully get rid of the Cushing's causing tumour. And sometimes even that isn't enough or it ends up creating an even greater hormonal imbalance.
The truth is, I don't really want to think about that as a possibility to be honest. It's not that I'm trying to live in denial about my condition, god knows it would be impossible even if I wanted to. It's just that obsessing over it is actually making life really tough.

In the last few weeks, not only have these events been going on in my life, but I've lost 2 relatives to Cancer. In the space of 1 month, it's be a rough time. I was unable to attend either services due to the fact that I live so far away but luckily I was able to spend a short week in Paris with my brother and was able to visit with several family members which was really nice. It allowed me to feel connected and supported again, knowing there were people in my life who loved me and cared about me.

So I've decided to focus on this: the morning I went for my blood test I was extremely stressed out. I had fasted from the night before for the glucose test and wasn't allowed to take my hydrocortisone in the morning. So at 8.15am when I got to the hospital and was greeted by some very rude and insensitive nurses, I can assume I felt pretty stressed which could explain the peak in ACTH.

But I will know fairly soon (though if you ask me, not quite soon enough!!). I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in about 2 weeks time and after getting those blood results back she asked me to do more tests. For 3 days I had to stop taking my hydro and collect all the urine I passed over a 24hr period. So that's 3 x 24hrs of urine collection, and let me tell you, it wasn't fun. Luckily I work part-time otherwise it would have taken me too long to complete the tests. Most people underestimate how constraining it is to have to collect every single drop of piss you pass! Anyways, she should have the results of those test by then and that will be a pretty good indication.
What I do know is that if the results are high again, I will have to start all the dexamethasone tests over again. It's not so much that the test are painful and time consuming, it's more that I feel defeated having to go through all this again just 6 months after my surgery.

I was so happy to know that it had gone well and that the initial results were positive that I just assumed I was cured! I mean sure, it crossed my mind that the tumour might come back, after all I'm relatively young so there was a chance of it happening. But the fact that the tumour's cell renewal rate was so low I thought I at least had a couple of years before it came back!?

But the truth is, I don't really want to keep dwelling on this. Sure, it sucks big time!! And sometimes I catch myself worrying about my future and my health and just want to curl up into a ball and cry like a baby, but then I remember a funny saying I heard either in an American Sitcom or in a Movie:

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"

For those of you not familiar with the saying, it basically means that if life throws 'sour' things at you, make the most out of them by turning them into something good. (I also thought it would be kinda funny to reference lemonade because in some countries, the word is sometimes used to describe urine which is funny since in the last few weeks, I've literally had to 'make lemonade' in order to get on with my life!!)

But more importantly, I've decided that I am just gonna take this knock in my stride. Do I sometimes wonder why the hell this happened to me and why it can't just be over and done with? Of course! But it turns out, I'm a stronger, more positive person than I thought. Through all this I manage to maintain and positive outlook on life and keep smiling.

I have to admit, one thing that's really helped me through is finding my new Church and attending our weekly social get togethers. Every Sunday when I go to church, I feel as though the Pastor is speaking to me. It's as if he can see through to my soul and understands what I need to hear to feel encouraged to face another week.

Last Sunday, the Pastor preached about character, which he has done for the last few weeks. Giving example of the lives of Daniel and Joseph. Now I know some of you aren't necessarily believers and I believe in freedom of choice so I'm not trying to impose anything on you but I'd just like it if you could bear with me on this.
Daniel and Joseph were both men who went through a hell of a lot in their lives which wasn't easy but God had a plan for them and in the end they were rewarded ten fold (in more ways than one). The Pastor quoted this passage when talking about their characters and how they got through all the trials and tribulations of their lives:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." Romans 5:3 (NLV)

And that's what I try to remind myself!! Sure, I've probably been through more in the 26years of my life than some people have but all it's doing is moulding and shaping me, helping me develop endurance. Life is a marathon, not a race and I'm in it for the long haul!!!

I truly believe that all I've been through has brought me more depth of character, a kinder more empathetic nature and a sensitivity that many people lack nowadays. All these qualities will help me fulfil my dreams of wanting to spend my life helping others and experiencing life to the full. Sure, sometimes being sensitive and empathetic can hurt but you can't have the highs without the lows! We as human have the capacity to experience a spectrum of human emotions and it would be a waste not to try them all...

I want to leave you with a video of the song which often manages to move me to tears at the Sunday service. It is a beautiful song with words that give hope.