No pain, No gain...

Firstly, let me apologise for the extremely long gap between the last time I posted and now!
I left London, stayed in Dubai for a few days and have now been trying to settle into Hong Kong.
Things have been going pretty well so far. I've gotten back in touch with old friends, found out more about what I'll be doing at university, registered myself at a local hospital so that they are aware of my post Cushing's status in case anything should happen and joined a gym.

Overall things are good but I'm still struggling a little. One of the hardest things I think, is people now throwing the "But you don't have Cushing's anymore" card at me!! Sure, they're right, I'm medically no longer a Cushing's sufferer now. I'm just a 26year old obese girl with residual acne and a serious sweating problem, but is that really it!? I mean, am I just suppose to get over it, move on, pretend like nothing happened and "get better"?
Sorry but I just can't do that...

I appreciate that when people say that to me they aren't trying to trivialise what I've been through but sometimes that's what it feels like to me!!

Today for example, I had another session with my personal trainer and during the course of it, she started going on about how working hard and never giving up was key and how fitness is really important bla bla bla...
She wasn't being harsh or anything but it felt a little condescending to me!! Especially since I know exactly what working hard and not giving up are. I spent years battling against people who never believed that there was something wrong with me and accomplished more in 1 year with a tumor in my brain than others have in their lifetime!! I KNOW that I'm a fighter and that I am strong but trying to explain that to her made me feel like someone trying to give excuses. It felt like I was trying to justify myself! BUT WHY SHOULD I??
I have nothing to justify or be excused from.
It made me realise even more that I'm still very touchy about Cushing's and feel very sensitive when people judge me when they don't know me. I try so hard to build walls to protect myself from those kinds of people but unfortunately these walls are never high enough.

The saddest part is that she isn't the only one... Even people who KNOW what I've been through tell me I need to stop using the Cushing's excuse. I dunno... Maybe they're right, maybe it is an excuse, but aren't I entitled to it? I mean, if a person who only just regained the ability to walk after being in a wheelchair for months has trouble walking fast, do we judge them and tell them they're not trying hard enough? I should hope not!! We need time to heal, physically, mentally, emotionally.
In a way, I think what angers me even more is that I was never really given the chance to just HAVE Cushing's!!
This probably sounds strange to some of you but this is why I say this:
I suffered from it for years but because it was undiagnosed, I was always being blamed for my symptoms (depression, weight gain, acne, etc). Then when it was diagnosed, everyone kept telling me to stop focusing on having it and just think about getting better. "Just live life normally, don't let it control you". And then now that it's been cured I'm being told: "You don't have it any more why are you still going on about it?"
So I ask you this: when did I ever have the chance to deal with it?
For years I didn't have it, then I wasn't suppose to have it, then I no longer had it!
But what about what I know I've been through?
What about the effect it's had on my life???

I know I've had Cushing's and it's been hard and I would like the opportunity to deal with that and be accepted!!
I don't want a medal or a parade, all I want is a bit of respect and empathy. I understand that all you see is a fat girl who starts sweating the minute she gets out of bed but there's more to me than that!!

It's so hard having a disease that no one knows, understands or even cares about... I'm sure if I told people I'd survived cancer they would be a bit more reactive but most people just stare at me blankly when I tell them I had a rare disease. Even when they ask for details I can see they don't really understand and most of the time they don't listen and still think the same thing in the back of their minds: "Yeah but you're fat because you ate too much!!"
Most people just assume I got sick because I was fat, they could never imagine it was the other way around. The ironic thing is people react more when I tell them I quit alcohol, caffeine and cigarettes than when I tell them I had a tumor removed from my brain!!
Just goes to show how "deep" most people are...

But I am making it my mission to not give up and try to educate people. More people need to be made aware of this terrible disease because it doesn't just make you fat and depressed, it can kill!!!
That's right, I'm not exaggerating or trying to be dramatic, I'm just stating the truth.
A young woman who was part of a Cushing's Facebook group I am also a part of, died not too long ago. She was only 28years old!!
We have to make it our priority to speak up, show our strength and help people understand.

I'm doing it the only way I know how, by writing this blog and telling anyone I meet and who will listen about it. I hope that you will do the same too...