New Year, New You?

So here we are, in 2011.
2010 has been, needless to say.... eventful!
Between my graduation, my grandfather passing and my surgery, it has been a tough year with many highs and lows. Some days I barely thought I would survive and others I felt an enormous sense of relief or joy. I guess that's what makes life interesting....

I've just returned to London after a month of being on holiday with my family in Asia, and although spending that much time with that much family can sometimes be frustrating, it also did me a world of good!
I'm now 16 weeks out of surgery, down 12kgs, on 10mg - 5mg - 5mg hydro a day, still non-smoking and abstaining from alcohol and caffeine, and starting to get my energy back. But most of all I'm feeling good. My body still aches ever day and I still need an average of 10hrs of sleep a night, but mentally I feel positive.
I feel ready to face the challenges of 2011 so instead of writing a post which summarises 2010, I have decided to focus on the year ahead. Look forward instead of back!

When the new year comes around, most people inevitably set goals or "resolutions". I remember that for the last few years I would always set the same ones: Lose weight, Exercise more, Stop being depressed etc...
And every new year I would be disappointed that I hadn't achieved what I had set out to do in the previous year. What was suppose to be a personal challenge set for personal growth ended up making me feel worse about myself and if anything, instead of growing I was shrinking more and more into an insecure wreck.
What a revelation it was to me when I was diagnosed with Cushing's and came to realise that all those years I hadn't been a failure, but had been suffering from a terrible disease.
So for my 2010 resolutions, I decided that I would set the bar a bit lower and simply stated that I wanted to get through the year and graduate! In reality, I didn't set the bar lower since achieving these things whilst suffering from Cushing's is hard work and 2010 was a difficult year...
But like I said, this post isn't about reflecting on the past, it's about the future. If you want to know why 2010 was so hard you simply have to read all my previous posts.

So what does the future have in store for me? Well, after months of analysing not only myself but the people around me and how I've been treated, I have decided that this year I'm going to make different kinds of resolutions.
First and most importantly, I will attempt to love myself more. Now this is not to say that every time I look in the mirror I will mouth the words "You're perfect", but I will try and be kinder to myself. For years I have blamed myself for putting on weight, no longer exercising, being depressed and being unable to get close to people when in reality it wasn't up to me! I would despise the reflection in the mirror, hating the monster I had turned into and hating myself for allowing myself to become that monster. I would see myself through the eyes of judgemental others who assumed that I was a lazy, greedy, slob. How hurtful those eyes and comments can be....

And this brings me on to my second resolution, which is to have more patience with myself and others.

Patience towards others because not only do I still get rude comments regarding my size, but even people who know what I've been through still ask me questions which get to me. For example, many people ask me whether I now have to follow a specific diet and every time they ask me that I want to scream!!! Why? Because them asking that shows that they still think that the reason I put on weight is because I stuff my face or don't eat properly! Why don't they understand that Cushing's was the reason for my increased appetite and slow metabolism and that now that I've had my surgery, my body is functioning normally so I can eat just like everyone else!!? The ignorance of others makes me so angry sometimes....
So I want patience. Patience to accept that there will always be people out there who judge. People who make fat jokes, people who take one look at you and think that they know everything about you. In fact, I don't know why it surprises me since even in this multicultural world we live in I'm still subjected to racism as well. No matter how evolved and educated we become, some of us are still narrow minded and shallow.

I would also like to be more patient with myself and more specifically with the healing process which will take a long time. I often get frustrated with how long it's taking for me to get better but then I remind myself that I have been suffering from Cushing's for several years now so a few months aren't enough to reverse everything....

And last but not least, my final resolution will be to give...
To give help, hope, happiness, anything I can really. We are all capable of helping others in one way or another. Some of us donate money to charity, some volunteer, etc. I have always done my part, but lately I'm proud to say that I really feel like I've made a difference. No, I haven't ended poverty in Africa, or the War in Iraq, however I know from the friends I've made through my blog that sharing my story has helped others in their own fight with Cushing's. I also know that sharing my story with my friends and family has also helped them be a bit more open minded and less judgemental.
So I want to keep this up....