Overcompensation and the inferiority complex
One thing I've noticed about a lot of movies or TV series, the fat person is always portrayed as funny and struggling with their weight. That is, if they want us to like the "fat person". If they don't, they will be sour, lazy, overindulgent people who seem to lack self control. Where is the overweight, well adjusted woman who enjoys having her large pizza but is also capable of working hard and being productive? Don't tell me she doesn't exist because I meet these kinds of people all the time!
The reality is that we are made to believe that being fat is something we should be ashamed of and should therefore compensate for in other ways. I'd like to say that I have not been brainwashed by this notion especially since I KNOW that my weight is due to a health problem however I'm just as "weak" as the others. What I mean by this is that because my weight is something I feel I have no power over and am very ashamed of, I tend to try and overcompensate for it in other ways.
Actually, I have always been a perfectionist (a trait which I inherited from both my father and mother) but have found that this disease has thrown it into overdrive. Some may say it isn't necessarily a bad thing, and they're right, however I still think that the reason for it is a bit sad.
As some of you may remember I am currently studying a Masters in Behavioural Health. Now I have always been a fairly good student but never was I obsessed with having good grades. I was just happy to be doing well. Over the last few years it's as if I've been trying to prove to myself (and others maybe?) that I'm more that just doing well. I've been wanting to get As for everything. It's not enough that I managed to graduate Brunel with a BSc, I wanted to get a first! I ended up with a 2:1 but I didn't miss the first by much and the reason is because I didn't do well in my exams. But that's normal, at the time I was in Cushie hell and my memory and cognitive abilities were severely compromised. I was so tough on myself and tried everything I could think of. I wrote up flash cards of all my notes and spent every waking hour reading over them trying desperately to memorise everything. I recorded myself reading those notes out loud so that I could listen to the recordings as I fell asleep or when I was driving in my car. I literally spent about a month as a hermit spending all my time indoors revising. In fact, in my final year, all the modules that were coursework based I received As in. What brought my grades down were my exams. I just passed and that was with all the work that I put in.
Now on my Masters it's like I'm trying to overcompensate again. In a way I guess I wanna get that first that eluded me at the BSc level. And at the moment I'm on the right track. So far all the grades I've received have been As which I am really quite proud of. I work extremely hard to do well and devote a lot of time and energy to my studies. I guess that's why I get very upset and annoyed when people talk to me as if I'm lazy and don't know what hard work is. Believe me, I know!! And not just about working hard for my studies, I have always been a highly motivated and hard working person. Even when I was suffering from Cushing's I managed to lose over 50kgs in 9 months. But at the moment I can barely lose 1!! Does that make me less of a person? It shouldn't but I guess I kinda feel like it does.
So I'm setting the Academic standard up very high for myself but I'm also trying not to be too obsessive about it. I guess it might not be such a bad thing to overcompensate, but I think it's important to be aware of our own motivations and also be realistic. If we always set the bar too high we will always be disappointed by our performance. Also, we have to think carefully about who were are doing this for. If I am doing this to prove and defend myself towards society then I may as well give up now because the truth is that the majority of people will always pass judgement on me whilst I'm at the size I am now. But if I am doing this for myself then as long as I am realistic and positive about it then it can only push me to achieve my full potential which is a good thing.
I think that deep down me wanting to do so well in my studies and my career is kind of my way of proving to myself that I am worth something. That I am worthy of love and respect. So far, I have been fairly unlucky when it comes to these things and I guess it's starting to take its toll on me. But I'm trying very hard to love myself. So with that in mind I would like to share with you a little video I made inspired by one my mum sent me in French. I have translated the words and used pictures from places I've been. Remember to switch on your speakers.
No comments:
Post a Comment